Blue Laws

Prompted by a comment by SFChick, here's a quick breakdown of liquor laws in Minnesota:

Liquor, spirits, wine, and "strong" beer must be sold by a licensed off-sale retailer. "Strong" beer is what everyone else in the country just refers to as beer. It is, however, marked "strong" on the top of cans.

These stores are never open on Sundays. Monday thru Saturday hours are set by local municipal laws.

Beer of 3.2% alcohol content may be sold at grocery and convenience stores. I have no idea what hours the sale of this beer, commonly referred to as "three-two," is confined to, because I always planned ahead. Okay, sometimes only 15 minutes ahead, because it was 11:45 on a Saturday, but still.

What's so scary about alcohol that you've got to have such silly laws? I couldn't tell you specifically, but generally, I blame God. Or rather, those who claim they know that God Would Want It That Way.

What a bunch of tools. Here's how it kind of breaks down:

1) There are still Women's Temperance chapters that meet monthly in small towns in Minnesota.

2) Everyone knows everyone else's business, including how often people visit the "off-sale."

3) But everyone "knows" that Minnesotans are God-fearin' folk, every last one of 'em.

4) So there's no need to make that Devil's water too available, right?

5) Even so, they may as well make money off the heathens, so...

6) Most liquor stores in small towns are owned by the city, and the profits go to offset the taxes. Which is why half of the bars in Minnesota are called "The Munie." That is, the municipal liquor store, which sells liquor for consumption both on the premises and to take home.

Really, I have no fucking clue why the constraints and restrictions exist, except to placate a lot of small-town personalities and politics. And to offset the tax base.

Because this is How Their God Feels.

My God feels that those people are asshats. I know this for a fact. He and I commune on this issue daily, and we've concluded. Ass. Hats.

Politically speaking, Minnesota is very liberal. Except with the liquor. (And the anal sex, but that's off topic.) Minnesotans plan ahead, and they expect everyone to follow suit. You want beer to drink while watching the Nextel race? You better remember that on Saturday night. If ya don't, it's your own fault.

(Next on the agenda: Blue Laws II: Not Friendly, The Texas Way!)