Hotdish

Let me tell you about "hotdish." A lot of you might wonder why I think you need to be told about it, because you have Tator Tots AND cream of mushroom soup in your cupboard. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Put simply, "hotdish" is what everyone else in the world, outside of the upper-midwest, calls a casserole.

(I know that "casserole" can also refer to the dish or pan the food is cooked and served in, but we're not going there today.)

"Hotdish" usually contains Cream of Mushroom Soup. Some ladies have been known to use Cream of [something else, probably cellery] Soup, but they probably won't tell you that when they give you the recipe. "Hotdish" also usually contains some type of potato, even if the potato is only stale chips crumbled on the top. Other possible ingredients are ground beef, cooked chicken or turkey, a frozen or canned vegetable. Some ladies get fancy and use cheese, too, plus some other stuff I'm pretty sure they only sell in towns with a population of larger than 10,000.

I've been in Texas too long. A year or so ago, I was planning supper and realized I had NO POTATOES IN THE HOUSE! Not in the freezer, or fridge, or cupboard, or even forgotten in the trunk of my car (hey, it's happened!). The absence of potatoes in and of itself wasn't the bad part. The bad part was that I realized I had been out of potatoes for a couple of weeks!

Really, I'm not quite sure how we survived.

So in a panic, I called my friend Elly. Elly is from Nebraska so she mostly understands the crisis.

"Elly! I'm out of potatoes! No russet, no reds, no whites, not even any french fries or Tator Tots in the freezer! Not even any leftovers! I'm gonna get kicked out of the Honorary Minnesota Women's Association!"

"Calm down. Take a breath," Elly said in her calming librarian voice that we both learned in Library School. "Now think: do you have instant?"

"Wait...wait...um..." I was searching the cupboard. "I do! Oh, what a relief!"

I'm probably not explaining it well. So just take my word for it: if you're from Up North, you were raised on Hotdish, and you always, ALWAYS had the ingredients in the house to make one. Even when you were in college.

Most popular is Tator Tot Hotdish:

Ingredients:

Tator Tots

1 lb. ground beef

1/2 C diced onions

1 can of corn

1 can of Cream of Mushroom Soup

Salt and pepper to taste. Any other spices are heretical.

Brown the ground beef with the onions. Spread it in a layer on the bottom of a casserole (I know; shut up) dish. Salt and pepper to taste. Next, carefully spread the Cream of Mushroom soup, straight from the can, over the layer of ground beef and onions. Smooth it out with a spatula. Then, open the corn and drain the corn...okay, squeeze out every bit of water that you are able...oh just use frozen! Spread the corn in an even layer on top of the soup. Then spread a layer of (still frozen) Tator Tots on top. I'm OCD (discussed on an earlier blog post) so I usually line them up really neatly.

Then bake it uncovered at 350F for an hour. Best when served with buttered white bread.

If you want to get fancy you can add a layer of American cheese, but I usually don't.

That's it.

Oh, wait. There's more to this Hotdish thing. Everyone has their own specialty. If you ever ask someone for their hotdish recipe, the recipe they give you will NOT be the way they usually cook it themselves. When you attempt it, your hotdish will be good, but not the same as your friend's hotdish.

Which was the point of this whole post. I'm about to give up my mom's secret to her hotdish.

That's right. Lois' Rice Hotdish, finally revealed to the public for the first time ever!

(It has no potatoes. Shut up.)

Lois' Rice Hotdish: Now that I've told you this, I'll have to kill you. Oh, by the way, read the whole recipe through before you attempt it. It's not for amateurs.

Ingredients:

1 lb lean ground beef (at least 93%)

1 Cup diced onion (your choice but I prefer scallions. I mean, green onions. Whatever.)

1 Cup diced cellery

1 (small) can of mushrooms; ends and pieces are fine

1 1/2 Cup long grain rice (uncooked)

1 1/2 tsp molasses

1 1/2 tsp Kitchen Boquet (next to the Worcestershire sauce at the store. You know, by the steak sauce. It's a brown bottle with a yellow label)

1 1/2 tsp soy sauce

(I use twice as much mollasses, Kitchen Bouquet, and soy sauce. Actually, I just pour in "some.")

1 Can Cream of Mushroom Soup

3 Cups water

For this, you need something bigger than a casserole dish. I suggest the covered roaster you can bake a whole chicken in, but not the one that's for the Thanksgiving turkey. Whatever you use, it must have a lid that fits well.

Now we get to the secret. In a large bowl, combine all ingredients. Do NOT pre-cook the ground beef or anything else. Really. You're putting in the ground beef raw.

Combine until it's fairly uniform. Okay, I know it's not going to be uniform, what with the celery and whatnot. But mix thoroughly.

You want to know the best way to do that? No, you really don't but I'm going to tell you anyway.

Use your hand. Of course, you wash your hands first. Also, you can put on a latex glove to do it. (Found in the pharmacy section of the store; get the ones WITHOUT corn starch. They also come in handy for cutting jalapenos and other things that might stain or sting.)

Anyway, squish the ground beef in the gloppy mixture until resembles...well it will look gross. Mix until there are no lumps of ground beef. It's like making meat loaf, but runnier. The rice will sink to the bottom; don't worry about it.

This CAN be done with a spoon or a wire whisk, but it takes longer that way.

Pour it into the roaster or whatever you're cooking it in, cover and bake in a 350F oven for 90 minutes. Yep, an hour and a half. Stir it every 30 minutes or the ground beef will float. Oh, and the last 30 minutes is usually only 15 minutes in my oven. YMMV.

Once again, serve with buttered white bread. You can also put more soy sauce on top of it before you eat it.

There. Now you all know the secret. May God have mercy on my soul.

But I'm not kidding about the buttered white bread.