Daily Messages

To CVS and Walgreens: Please, PLEASE stock Goody's Cool Orange Headache Powders. Yes, I know you sell the original, but honestly, let's talk about the packaging. It's white powder folded up in a piece of waxed paper. If you ever take the stuff in public or even in the break room at work, people think it's cocaine. The packaging of the Cool Orange flavor (sealed plastic pouch, clearly marked) is more socially acceptable and doesn't bring the police to your desk if you just happen to have a headache or back pain. I already called the manufacturer about it, but you still should take the initiative and put the stuff on the shelves. Thanks. Oh, and also, could you start selling your product in Minnesota? And also, thanks for sponsoring Tony Stewart. I love that guy. In my mind, he loves me, too. Thanks for bringing us together.

To my dog: Shut up. You ate already. You WOKE ME UP so I would feed you.

To Taco Bell on Preston: Thanks for finally hiring some people who are friendly and competent! It's about effing time!

To the Frisco Post Office employees: Y'all rock. Lots of people hate the post office, but I kinda like it, and I like that you're friendly and competent and fast and wear beads on Mardi Gras and give out cookies on April 15th and stuff. Also. I hope you will enjoy your Saturdays off, if you get them, you know, if that legislation happens.

To my lawn service: I missed you last week. Walking in my yard right now makes my ankles itch. See you tomorrow!

To Texas Motor Speedway: I hope to come and see you in November! I'm working on it!

To the ladder in my garage: Stop falling over and scratching my UrbanTruckster. You're starting to piss me off.

To the weather: Please stay cloudy and threatening to rain so I don't have to go to the pool today. That way, I can get a head start on my daily beer consumption.

To Tom DeLay and Brett Farve: You're looking really pathetic. I'd tell you to get out while you have some dignity, but it's too late for that.

To the Looserans--I mean the ELCA: Good luck on that gay ministers vote. While you consider it, remember that the Bible has more admonitions against shellfish than it does against homosexuality. So remember, a vote for gays is a vote for Red Lobster! Er.