What I'd really like to say

I'm reviewing my resume again. I haven't decided if I'm actually look for a job yet. A couple of things about the job search bug the crap out of me. One is the "Objective" or "Profile" section of a resume, and the other is the cover letter. I suck at writing both. So I wrote myself a letter of recommendation. Here it is:

Dear Sir, Madame, or Other:

BeerPup is a brilliant. You need her to work for you. But not for too many hours, because her job is always going to be less important than 1) Her family, 2) Her sitting-around time, and 3) Beer. But what she can get done for you while she's on the clock is nothing less than spectacular.

Here's a couple of cool facts. She learned to drive when she was 8. Yes eight years old, and no, that's not figuring in that she was almost born on February 29th. It was even a manual transmission. She's been working in various capacities since before she was a teenager. She shelved books at the local library, babysat, and worked at a restaurant, all before she could even legally vote.

Then she went to college, finishing in only ;-) four years. She must have liked college because four years later she went back and got a Master's degree (she's an MLS-accredited librarian).

You might have heard of some of the places she's worked. United HealthCare. Nortel, Ericsson, Siemens, Southern Methodist University, and PricewaterhouseCoopers. Plus a couple of other places you've probably heard of but she prefers not to mention.

She's managed libraries. She's filed thousands of files. She's handled cranky customers. She once called the Library of Congress to ask a question in front of a senior partner at a law firm, just to render him speechless.

She absolutely astounded a certain notorious former White House staffer by locating 14 out of 15 government documents he requested, in less than three hours. (The 15th document, he went through his own source at the White House and it took 2 weeks to get it.)

Okay, so yeah, she hasn't worked in an office for 9 years. This does NOT mean she isn't up on "the latest," mostly due to a pathological need to find the answer to every question she's ever asked. This takes a lot of her time and energy and bandwidth, but it has a calming effect on her, so we let her do it.

Has she used the exact version of the exact software that your company uses? No. But she can type 65 WPM, can do 10-key entry at over 120 keystrokes per minute, and is not afraid to beat any new piece of software she meets into submission. In an ethical, non-violent way, of course.

She hasn't been paid to work for 9 years, but she has extraordinary research instincts, which, when combined with the mechanical process of research (electronic and otherwise) will blow you away.

So to conclude: Janice is a great employee, but only during the hours which you are actually paying her.

So, do you want real skills? Hire BeerPup. Or, you can hire that other person who says they've used your software, but really has no idea what it, or your company, does. Up to you.

Sincerely,

Arnie Schnurdbottom