Put Your Shoes On! We're Goin' to NASCAR!

Sunday is the big NASCAR race at Texas Motor Speedway. Yes, of course I'm going. I've just learned that our beloved Nick--of Nick's Ridiculous Whore Page--will also be attending. Probably.

He's never been. This will be my 4th or 5th one, so I've opted to write "Dickies Fan FAQ" just for Nick.

Leave your house no later than three hours before the race. As many as 6 or 7 hours is acceptable. There will be plenty to do.

When I go, I usually wake up at an ungodly hour. Then I call my sister and my brother individually, and yell, "Put your shoes on! We're goin' to NASCAR!"

(Family joke.)

Then I get in the car and drive to the Meeting Point. The night before, I have assembled:

A cooler I can bring into the speedway. The size limit is 14"x14"x14"

Beer I can bring into the speedway. NO GLASS. And being it's Sunday in Texas, they don't sell beer before noon. So buy it Saturday night.

A couple of other coolers.

A purse. If you can get away with a man-purse, do it. A backpack or something.

In my purse is:

Cash
Credit card
Photo ID
Tickets!
Sunscreen, 3 kinds. One for lips, one for face, one for the rest of me.
Moist towelettes.
A neatly folded hunk of toilet paper (in case I pick a stall that's out.)
Immodium (2 or 3 doses) 'cause when you need it, you need it NOW
Excedrin
The BeerHound advises a pen and paper, to write down the name and phone number of whatever NASCAR boyfriend she makes at the race.
Cell phone.
Keys, only the essential. House, car I'm driving, key fob.

I usually wear very comfortable shoes, and as little clothing as I can, taking the weather into consideration. Last spring, this was a tank top and shorts. A year ago, it was a t-shirt, jeans, long underwear, a sweatshirt, a winter coat, and winter gloves. And a hat. A wool one.

This weekend looks to be back in the tank top and shorts category.

But I always bring long pants and a jacket in the car.

And towels. Bring a couple of towels.. I won't go into details about this, but combine a muddy parking lot and a couple of assholes with a 4-wheel drive, and you get a desperate need for towels.

After meeting my buddies, we'll stop at a convenience store and put the beer and water on ice. You can never have too much ice. Remember, buy the beer ahead of time!

Buying the water ahead of time might also be financially sound advice.

So at the convenience store, buy ice and salty snacks. Twice as many salty snack as you think you want.

Then drive to the race. I've taken 114, 1171, and 35, and they're all about the same. There used to be huge back-ups, but they aren't so bad any more, since they put in the new Dale Earnhardt Way exit.

The raceway fan guide specifically suggests NOT taking 114, warning that you might miss the start of the race if you do so.

When you get there, follow the signs to park, and then hang out. Take stock. Enjoy the music your fellow parking lot neighbors are enjoying. Have a beer.

Make sure you've got what you need for the next couple of hours.

Put a bunch of bottled water on ice and leave it in your car. You'll need it after you get back there after the race. This is when you will need the salty snacks, also.

Then make your way to...The VENDORS!

There will be a truck or kiosk for every damn logo you see on every damn car that drives on the track. Each driver has several truck/stores.

There'll be, for example, one for the Navy, one for the Army, one for every guy in the Chase, one for every racing team, one for Budweiser....it's overwhelming. Ridiculous. Entertaining.

You know those damn "It's the Mirrors" commercials? HUGE kiosk/tour/display. Artwork, pictures. Sundry, scanners. Hot chicks trying to get you to apply for credit cards. Tons of swag. You'll walk it a couple of times.

And then there's the free samples. Toilet paper, the latest Frito-Lay product, Goody's Asprin Powders (new orange flavor!)

A couple of shopping tips: this race is at the end of the season and some vendors have pretty good deals on stuff to get rid of inventory. A few things are about to become obsolete, like the Dale Earnhardt Jr. Budweiser 8 stuff. Anything that says "Nextel Cup." Etc. Some might be "collector's items" and some is just junk. Your call.

Just be sure to stop by the Navy kiosk and get their swag. They always give away a cheap set of ear plugs (they'll be in the little blue coin-purse type thing in the swag bag.)

Neither the Navy nor the Army is trying to recruit you, so be friendly and thank the representative service people for their service to our country.

Also, many of the workers at the rest of the vendors are also service people on leave. So be friendly and nice.

Then there's the SPEED network stage. I've never stood around and watched them, but it's probably entertaining. I'v only fought my way past the crowd. I like them on TV and all, but I don't think I'd want to fight the crowd just to get a "live view" of them.

When the gates open, you'll want to go through the gates and pee. After that, go back to your car and re-stock your cooler.

They scan your ticket on the way in and on the way out.

The BeerHound and I once bought tickets to the Bush race just to get in the gates to pee. It was worth $40 apiece. We watched half the race, were seriously freezing, and left to go watch the end of it at the Pub Down Under. But we were able to sell the tickets to the guys who pulled into the parking space next to us as we were leaving.

Sorry for the digression.

There will be food vendors both inside and outside the gates. The beer vendors are only inside the gates.

After peeing, check out your seats. Then stroll down and check out the finish line.

Buying a program is usually a good idea. You get a free t-shirt if you buy one.

Get a handle on the schedule, so you know when to wander back to your seat.

Things to see before the race:

There's always a band. The band will only do their best songs--4 at most. It will be a hugely popular successful performer or group, but there's a chance they'll be country and you like rock...

There'll be driver introductions. Every driver gets introduced. They get driven around the track and wave at the crowd also.

There will be a prayer.

Then there's the national anthem, the fly-over, and then someone says, "Gentlemen, start your engines!" (Danica hasn't made it to Cup racing yet, so they don't have to use the neutral "drivers, start your engines," which JUST DOESN'T sound right.)

Then the rumble.

Most of the women in the audience will shudder, sigh, and smile to themselves.

And then there's the race.

After, you can still visit the vendors. Pee one more time!

Make your way back to your car. Wait forever. Go home.

It WILL take you a bare minimum of an hour to get to the road that goes to the road that goes to I35 or 114. You may wish to tailgate for a while after the race, because getting in your car and waiting will not get you out faster, and it will just waste gas.

Oh, make sure you have a full tank of gas.


;-)



So. Here's the stuff to bring list:
Tickets
Photo ID
Cash
Credit card
Sunscreen
Sunglasses
Hat
Coolers (including one 14"x14"x14" per attendee)
Beer
Ice
Water
Money
Snacks
Towels
Change of clothes
Immodium
Wet-naps
Tampons
Money
Toilet paper
Condoms
Saline solution
Excedrin
Camera
Binoculars
Money
Body glitter
Cell phone
Pen & paper
Tiara
Money

See you there!