Happy Birthday Ulfy! Or, The Time I Didn't Loose My Virginity.

I happened to notice the date this morning--I don't always--and realized that my high school classmate David--not to be confused with my husband David--is turning 40 today.

There's no reason WHY I remember Ulfy's birthday. I just do.

So here's his profile.

A Tribute to Ulfy: His Hairline Aged Long Before He Did.

He was one of those guys who needed the Hair Club for Men while still in high school. I think in his case, the problem was sperm retention. And also in his case, I think he looks much better bald. Some men just do.

That's not exactly a fair assessment, as I don't have any knowledge of his sex life during his teen years, except that he didn't have sex with me. He COULD have, but he DIDN'T.

If he'd have made one move, just ONE, he could have had it all. No strings attached. It wouldn't have bothered me if he never called after, because he never called me, ever, anyway.

I bet you're all wondering how I would consider him a friend. Considering my graduating class of 43, we kind of had to get along.

He moved to town in the 4th grade. I developed a crush on him, and didn't hide it well. It probably caused him some embarrassment. Sorry, Ulfy! After 6th grade, though, I vaguely remember hiding it better. As with most teenage crushes, it came and went.

And by then he didn't mind having conversations with me, although I would quite often start waxing intellectual and he'd tell me to shut up because no one cared. A bit blunt, but accurate.

Mostly, he was funny. And he was loyal to his friends. He was the class clown, a good athlete, and a very mediocre trombone player. He couldn't sing a note--he was totally tone deaf--yet he had one of the leads (Scarecrow) when we performed The Wizard Of Oz.

Here's a picture I drew of him in the 10th grade.



It was drawn while on a biology field trip to a wildlife preserve or some such place. I don't know if he knew I drew it, but he was the most animated thing on the bus, and I was bored.

Earlier that year, we'd had a Moment. It could have been Operation: Virginity Relinquishment as far as I was concerned. We had motive and opportunity, but the means were lacking. As in, I didn't have a condom and I wouldn't have trusted any that he might have had with him, as they were very likely to have been in his wallet since 7th grade.

But I never got to find out if he had one, because he didn't touch me. AT ALL. If he would have just touched my shoulder, or something, anything! and I would have trusted him enough. I would have taken the lead from there.

Motive: two horny teenagers who didn't imagine themselves in love--or even dating--but would have liked to be a part of that club of the sexually experienced.

Opportunity: my friend's house, in her basement, laying on a spare mattress, with no adult supervision and none due home for hours. I think school had been let out early because of a snow storm and I was staying at the friend's house, and Ulfy stopped by on his way from his place--yes, he was out walking in a blizzard--on his way to his friends' house across the alley from my friends'. Okay, I'll back up a bit: We were alone and LAYING TOGETHER ON A MATTRESS. And he didn't make a move. Let me give you a tip, yon teenage boys: if a girl lays on a mattress with you, willingly, she will NOT reject your advances. Well, not all of them, anyway ;-)

It didn't happen. Maybe the potential for it to happen was all in my mind; I don't know. We eventually went across to his friend's house and played football in the snow, had hot chocolate, that kind of crap. Which was fun, but not the kind of fun I had in mind.

So happy 40th birthday, Ulfy.