NASCAR: The Unfocused Tirade

Many of you might wonder why now, in my late 30s, I have become a NASCAR fan.

(The rest of you wonder why I write NASCAR in all caps, but assume I just do it because BeerPup Thinks It's Really Important, and BeerPup does weird things like that all the time, so you just pretend you understand.

It's an acronym. A real acronym, as opposed to an internet acronym. Real, like SCUBA (Self-contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus) and SNAFU (Situation Normal, All Fucked Up).

NASCAR: National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing.)

But back to the original topic: Why NASCAR, and why now?

After all, I've watched a lot of other sports, both on TV and in person, professional and college level. I've never seen a pro hockey game, although I figure since I've been to my fair share of WCHA games, I've seen those guys before they were, you know, rich. Or had chest hair. But they were still damn good players.

Yeah, Tony Hrkac, I'm talking about YOU. And a few of you others.

But I was never a fan...as in, followed it beyond the latest game, or through the play-offs, or whatever.

Why NASCAR, why now?

I've never NOT been a NASCAR fan. I used to watch with my brother when he watched, way back when. So I've always known the big names. Then he started going to some races, as did my sister. And like everyone else in the family, they wouldn't shut up about it. Then came Texas Motor Speedway.

So for a moment, let's blame it on Texas. Six years ago (longer, actually) my siblings decided to descend on my home and go to a race at TMS. I was up for it. The Jesus of Cheese was up for one race, and he chose to go to the Busch race. He took some spectacular pictures. A couple of other best friends came along for the ride. My in-laws live ridiculously close to TMS, so we did a bit of camping out at their place.

It was a blast, start to finish.

What I remember most about that weekend, though, is that I was about 8 days pregnant with my son, Simian Boy. And with Simian Boy, along with Stick Girl who was not yet 18 months at the time, I got a little sidetracked.

Hey, I had things to do! Diapers to change. Labor to go through. Finances and a house to manage. I got shingles. I went insane. I was busy, okay?!!

Without fail, though, my sis the BeerHound would ask me every weekend, "Did you watch the race?"

And Stick Girl seemed to have this thing for Tony Stewart. Okay, not for him I didn't think, but for his car. Even when she was just over 2 years old, she loved Home Depot, and whenever I watched the race or when she got some little toy at McDonald's, she'd get all excited about seeing the "Store Car." She'd follow the Store Car around the track. Store Car this, Store Car that.

At the time it bugged the crap outta me, because I didn't like Tony. I thought he was too hot headed and unsafe, no matter how well he drove. And maybe he was.

One time at Home Depot, the kids asked for the mints that came in the little race car tin. I said to Stick Girl, "Yeah, that's the Home Depot car. You know who drives that car? Tony Stewart!"

She said, "Yeah, mom. The STEWART car." She rolled her eyes.

Damn, I'm a fool. She knew all along who was driving the car.

After that, I started doing some serious watching. Before then, it had always been casual viewing, to the point that once early on in our marriage, I asked the Jesus of Cheese to pause the channel because The World Of Outlaws was on, and I think he was really wondering who the hell I was that night, because I wasn't the demure librarian he'd married.

I'm glad he didn't divorce me. Otherwise I wouldn't own half of those wonderful pictures of the Bush race from March 2001, and you know I'm going to sell them for tons of money some day.

But why NASCAR?

1. The season. It starts in the spring when everything else is ending, and ends just before the insane Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's comedy extravaganza.

2. Great commercials, all year long.

3. A definitive reason to like Home Depot better than Lowe's, other than "The Lowe's sales guys ignore me because I don't have a penis."

4. All the family/business intrigue. You want a soap opera? Forget daytime TV; tune into Dale Earnhardt International. Not kidding. Look up the news on these folks. Go do it. I'll wait.

5. The hint of scandal. NASCAR is, essentially, a monopoly. And a law unto itself. It's the only national sport that doesn't publish its rule book, mostly because they change it at will.

6. Tailgating lasts all week.

7. They're patriotic, embrace female fans, and they pray. I don't care that it's a Christian prayer because it could be a prayer to Odin or Ninkasi for all I care; if people are going to be going almost 200 miles an hour for three hours, somebody'd better pray to SOMEONE.

8. NASCAR fans are NASCAR fans first, and their driver second. In the stands, you never know if the guy next to you will be on your team or be rooting for your guy's worst rival...and you get along anyway. Not saying it's a lovefest...just saying it's rather civil, but usually much more.

9. For me, the shoe fits. It's the club that wants me. I can drive; they drive. They just do it much better than me. Football definitely doesn't want me, hockey doesn't (unless you count floor hockey, at which I kick ass), baseball pretends it wants me, and basketball is so far out of my realm.... Let's put it this way. I'm 5'2" and didn't make a basket until I was 16 years old. No lie. Mostly because no one actually showed me how, and on that note, thank you Mr. Charles Roux--the band teacher--for teaching me how, and fuck off, Mr. Gary Schuler--mr. hot shit basketball coach--for never giving a shit about me. Fuck you very much. (Yes, I have issues, but only when I think about it.)

Wow. That was way too much emotional baggage. You're gonna need paper AND plastic for that.

However, there's only one real reason for my fandom:

10. Rubber and rumble. You just gotta be there. It can't be explained.